You Are Enough
I have a question for you. I’m sorry if it’s too nosy or intense for you on a Monday morning, but I’ve got to ask it.
Where do you find your worth?
Last week, I could have answered that question quickly. Too quickly. But then, my friends, something happened that forced me to press in and seek a more honest answer.
I faced a rejection I didn’t see coming. I’m not going to talk about the specifics of my situation because they don’t matter. It involved no heroes or villains, just a bunch of boring real-life people. This isn’t about the details of this particular rejection.
In fact, this isn’t about me or my story at all.
This is about us, because I think we have all felt this way before.
I have always been driven to succeed. My husband says it is at once the most attractive thing about me and the scariest thing about me. Carly doesn’t half-ass anything. She makes things happen. She gets what she wants. “It’s just who I am,” I say.
But sometimes, no matter how much I give or how much I want something or how hard I try, I come up short. I am not enough.
Does the rejection hurt so much because I wanted it to work out? Sure. But this sting is deeper than the disappointment of wanting something and not getting it. This is the sting of a heart who finds her worth in her performance. In what she accomplishes. In how people perceive her. In what she can DO.
There is nothing wrong with being driven. But when all the stuff comes crashing down, the question dangles right in front of me and I can’t ignore it.
Where do I find my worth?
I can’t find it in belonging to a specific group, or in being a published author, or in how I look, or who my friends are. This weekend, as my heart grieved, my husband and little girl cuddled me all day long. And as safe and loving a fortress they are for me, I realize I can’t even find my worth in them.
Who are you without the letters after your name? Who is Carly, stripped from all her roles?
I’m figuring it out. It’s important that I do. Because rejection is a normal part of life. I will face it again and again, and it will never not hurt. But maybe next time I will know that I am more than my successes or failures.
You are enough. It is easy to believe when successes keep coming. But do you believe it when they don’t?
You are enough, even when you’ve been dumped…again.
You are enough, even when you were passed over for the job or the promotion you wanted.
You are enough, even when everyone is hanging out without you.
You are enough, even when you are picked last.
You are enough, even when you gave it your all and your all wasn’t good enough.
I am ready to jump off the hamster wheel of performance. I will never stop trying. I will never stop giving life my all. But I will find my worth elsewhere. I am not even sure what this looks like yet, but I think it begins in the quiet moments when I am alone…when there is no one to impress around me. When I am not on display. When it’s just me and God and maybe a pen nearby. Who am I in these moments?
I am enough. And you are enough.
So readers, I’ll ask one more time. Where do you find your worth? Do you want to get off the hamster wheel with me? We can try this together, fumbling and awkward. Maybe after we can get coffee and breathe deeply. I would like that very much.