Uncompromising Tips for Waging the War on Valentine's Day
You’ve heard of the War on Christmas, and maybe you even fight it. But I’m here to tell you about another forgotten cultural war, and that is the War on Valentine’s Day.
I am taking a stand for the true meaning of Valentine’s Day. I know that only the most bold will stand with me. This is no fight for the wishy-washy.
For those of you not afraid to take the challenge, here are a few ideas to take back the holy-day. Remember that if you are not with us, you are against us.
1. When a grocery store checker wishes you a happy Valentine’s Day, look at him/her in the eye and say, “Oh, so what martyred saint are you honoring today?” This will surely cause him/her to be convicted of her godlessness. When he/she offers to walk you to your car, accept because this is an excellent time to talk about the history of Valentine’s Day and the lack of martyrs in today’s comfortable American society.
2. When your sweetie brings you home some dumb stuffed bear and chocolates from CVS, throw them in his/her face and say this: “This nation will be judged for the COMMERCIALIZATION OF MARTYRDOM and I WANT NO PART OF IT.” This will set a romantic mood for the two of you to connect on a deep spiritual level. You can sacrifice the stuffed bear later in the evening as a symbol of your penitence.
3. Purge candy conversation hearts from your entire office in a dramatic sweep. Tell your boss that shallow hookup language on bland candy mocks the spirit of St. Valentine and if he/she has a problem with that, he/she can point you to the door. You will not compromise.
4. If your child’s teacher makes exchanging Valentine’s Day cards “mandatory”, hold your child back from school that day and study your own curriculum about St. Valentine – OR, participate in the pagan ritual of card exchange, but instead of cards with chocolate stapled to the back, distribute pamphlets about the life of the martyred saint.
5. Post an unwavering Facebook status about the corruption of Valentine’s Day in America. Unfriend and block anyone who questions your infallible truth, because they are mouthpieces for evil and have no place in your life.
Are you up for the challenge?
Happy Valentine’s Day!