Mommy Anatomy 101
Today’s post is by Baby G. Enjoy!
Now that I’m 11 months and 12 days, I’ve learned a lot about science. I’ve put my baby ways behind me and I’m ready to teach other babies about important anatomy principles they must understand to master being a baby.
Refer to this picture:
This is a basic sketch of my Mommy. Sure, I made her “Strings to Grab” look a little fuller than they do in real life, but I couldn’t get my crayon strokes thin enough to be realistic. For today’s lesson, I’ll walk you through the most important parts of a Mommy’s body.
a. Strings to Grab
These strings come in many colors, lengths and thicknesses. My Mommy’s are thin, like sewing thread and they are a dingy yellow color. She spends a lot of time complaining about how her strings look, but doesn’t do anything to fix them, so I know she just wants attention. Some Mommies spend time making their strings look good. Not mine! While I am a little embarrassed when she takes me to my friend’s houses, most the time I don’t mind because it doesn’t matter too much what they look like, as their main purpose is for GRABBING. Now, if you are a less sophisticated baby and haven’t learned to grab these strings yet, it is a skill you must master. Pulling these strings is sure to get a reaction from Mommy, and it will provide you hours of free entertainment watching her pull your hand away with her Fun Killers.
b. Cheek Kissers
These sort-of-rough-and-scratchy pink blobs love to kiss you anywhere they can reach. Your cheeks, top of your head, belly. My Mommy even uses hers to kiss my bum bum, which I think is totally inappropriate, but I giggle every time because I feel sorry for her. I suggest keeping a tube of Burt’s Bees chap-stick nearby. Not only is this chap-stick good for chewing on, it helps mommy’s Cheek Kissers be smoother so her kisses are more enjoyable.
c. Oh Sweet Nectar and d. A Taste of Heaven
When I look at Mommy, sometimes I can hardly see anything else but these giant nectar givers. It’s quite distracting. Sometimes she pulls me on her lap for story time and these nectar givers are practically in my face. All of a sudden intense cravings kick in and I have to have a fix. And frankly, the story she’s reading is quite boring. The only acceptable thing for a baby to do in this circumstance is attack the nectar givers. It’s a gamble, as sometimes this will provoke Mommy to pass me off to Daddy, but sometimes she’ll put out which makes the whole stunt worth it. Besides, if she didn’t want to give me a little milk morsel, why did she put me on her lap like this in the first place?
e. Fun Killers
I used to think these contraptions on Mommy’s body were sweet. They held me, brought me things when I asked, and held up my neck so I could see the world. But these days, these things are all about killing my fun. For instance, when I want to go on a treasure hunt in the kitchen trash, she uses the Fun Killers to take the important stuff out of my hands and then puts the trash can up on the counter where no baby can reach, not even the really strong ones. Then she’ll use the Fun Killers to substitute the really good stuff with something pretty mediocre, like a handful of Cheerios. Thanks for the snack, Mommy, but don’t think that a couple pieces of generic brand cereal are any replacement for the used coffee filter filled with wet grounds I was about to smear all over face.
f. Convenient Pillow
Sometimes when you are getting some sweet nectar, or chilling back with your favorite chew toy, you need a soft place to lay your head. That’s where Mommy’s built-in pillow comes in. She complains at how soft it is, and the way she talks I can tell that she’s trying to make me feel guilty, as if somehow this softness is my fault. I will not be manipulated; I’m no fool. I see her eat tortilla chips and cookies almost every night, so it’s pretty clear to me whose fault the pillow situation is. Besides, I like the pillow. It’s so handy to rest on after a long, stressful day of scattering my toys around the living room. So keep eating those tortilla chips, Mommy! There’s nothing quite like a homemade pillow.
g. The Jigglers
These Jigglers are great, especially when Mommy dances for me. It’s so funny how they keep moving even when she’s done with her dance moves! I crack up every time. Is this stuff on YouTube yet? But I know under the fluid surface the Jigglers are strong, because they carry me whenever I want, and I’m no flimsy baby.
So there you have it, babies. Mommy Anatomy 101. I hope you took notes and are prepared for your upcoming exam. Now it’s time for my nap.