I Hear Fundamentalist Voices
It’s been quiet on the blog for a few days, in part because it’s so beautiful out that I’ve been taking my sweet girl to the park to run in circles all day long. I’ve also planted a bunch of vegetable seeds in my raised beds – an early birthday present from family – so naturally I spend a lot of time checking to see if there are any ripe tomatoes yet.
But it’s also partly because the Voices are back.
“You are shirking the Truth.”
“You are walking down a slippery slope to relative morality.”
“You have made God in your own image.”
“You have backslidden.”
It seems whenever I take a step toward healing, the Voices come back.
They were exacerbated after I publicly “came out” as a Christian LGBT ally after the World Vision fiasco last month. When I visited a church with a woman minister last week, they squabbled so loud I could hardly hear her message. Whenever I rest for a moment in grace, with the assurance that God really does love everyone, they are there to argue with me.
“BUT….” they say.
“But you are watering down the Gospel.”
“But you are taking the easy way out.”
“But Truth is TRUTH.”
“But this is what happens when you don’t submit to Godly authority.”
I may have cut ties with my fundamentalist community years ago, but I have taken their Voices with me. They like to swoop in when I am weak.
So after I wrote a few vulnerable posts two weeks ago, the Voices knew what to do.
They whisper in my ear the things my old pastors would love to tell me but have been denied access. They provide the information I used to acquire from books that I no longer buy. They deliver the guilt I used to seek out from conferences but now steer clear of.
Sometimes I can minimize them. I can say “I choose Love,” and they shut up for some time. Other times, they have the power. After all, they have years of study and practice under their belts. They’ve groomed and perfected their answers. All I have is a blurry, scandalous hope – in which I can barely grasp – that the God of the universe is one of radical love.
I keep watering my seeds and trying to grasp that hope. The Voices tell me I’m wrong and I’m leading people to hell. I tell the Voices that even if that is true, it’s a risk I’ll take. I will still choose to err on the side of Love.
I have heard it gets easier. I spoke with someone recently who is years ahead of me in a similar journey. She said the Voices get quieter with time.
I hope she’s right.
What about you? When you left fundamentalism, did you carry their Voices with you? How do you deal with them?